Did you know you can just do whatever you want??!
I know what you are thinking.
You are thinking, "Jill, we live in 'Merica.
Crippling health care costs and doing what we want is the most American thing ever," And you aren't wrong, but the thing is, I haven't been doing whatever I wanted.
(Yes, yes, I hear it) … In art.
I haven’t been doing whatever I wanted in art.
In other areas of life, haha yes, I do what I want.
Because I want to walk Roxy, read books, make art, and drink tea.
*I’m a simple lady.
Back to art - I've discovered I’ve been adhering to a random set of rules I apparently set out for myself that, best as I can tell, are not based on anything remotely having to do with reality.
Let's go back. I'll explain.
Doodeleedo
Doodeleedoo
Doodleeedooo
(that's the time travel sequence music)
Two weeks ago, I shared my discovery that capitalism is a fickle bitch, and I had allowed the need to sell art to kill my creative voice.
It was a tough pill to swallow, and it's still stuck about halfway down, dissolving slowly and bitter as a rotten lemon at the bottom of the green bin.
-My new favorite game to see how many times I can include this photo of our green bin in the Nibbler.
So. How do I fix this delightful mess I've found myself in?
What am I going to do about it?
If you need a refresher, please see the last issue of the Nibbler.
I've been hammering away at this problem for the last few weeks with varying degrees of success. Sadly, only time will tell what is working and what isn't.
The first thing I did was re-enroll in the world of the traditionally employed for many reasons, the best of which is putting less pressure on my art to make all my income.
Second, when I returned from that extra-long walk (referenced in the previous issue), I excavated my most significant, most expensive, and most precious paintings from storage.
These are the biggest, most daunting paintings I’ve ever attempted. I’ve not been entirely satisfied with them, but I didn’t know how to improve them and was afraid of ruining them, so they remained “done” but just this side of mediocre.
So - I Scribbled all over them - AND I LOVED IT!
I loved the action, the freedom, and the zero fucks given about what they were going to look like in the end.
In posting this photo, I can hear my mom’s disappointed voice saying,
“Oh Jill, you’ve ruined it,”I can’t even begin to imagine where these “arbitrary rules” came from.
In writing, it's called "killing your darlings." If you have a sentence (or, ahem, a series of paintings) that you've deemed too precious to edit or rework, you should kill it because it will hold you back. By scribbling, I opened them back up for editing.
And I had FUN scribbling on them, which is exciting!!
I also consulted my community of lovely artists.
The suggestion I received: If you are going to make a living from your art, be it music, poetry, pottery, or painting, you need your money maker, the art that is your job, and a passion project.
Again, I had read this advice previously, but that is precisely where I was blindsided.
Making art for the gallery WAS my passion project. I was and still am so honored to be among so many talented artists. I believed I'd happily churn out frothy, bubbly seascapes for the rest of my days.
Oddly, I still think this, but it's not holding true, so this part of the question shall remain open for now and filed under "More research needed."
In all this searching, I am doing something that feels right and true.
And this gets us back to my opener of being able to do whatever you want.
I created a Super Secret Extra Private For My Eyes Only Sketchbook -SSEPFMEOSB (for short).
I made the cover beautiful, and it's just for me.
SSEPFMEOSB with a pretty wrapping paper cover
SSEPFMEOSB is a place where I can draw and scribble, a place to play, a place for silly creatures, and frog cafes in old moldy swampy boots to emerge.
It is for things that are "off-brand." (barf)
It's not "content".
It. Is. For. Me.
In it, I'm breaking all the bizarre rules I've acquired along the way, the biggest of which is that I'm not striving for a perfect painting.
I'm here for the opposite.
I'm here to play and get messy. I'm mixing media and leaving pencil sketches unfinished. And I'm trying on all kinds of different styles of art by doing dozens upon dozens of master studies.
A Master Study -for those of you who didn't waste thousands and thousands of dollars and four years of your life for someone to tell you to paint it bigger and with more emotion, is an exercise in which an art student attempts to copy a masterwork brush stroke by stroke to learn the technique. It is a very effective learning tool.
Admittedly, the term "Master Study" is a bit of a reach for what I'm doing: finding cute, adorable art, copying it in the artist's style, and then working it in my style.
The number of delightful little creatures I've drawn is the bottom of the cinnamon roll pan sweet, and I AM. DELIGHTED!!
I've been so caught up making "fine art," whatever the fuck that actually is, that I haven't allowed myself to play or have freedom in my art.
I haven't allowed myself to draw squirrels in cloaks or a hedgehog in a teacup.
By the way, I FORKING LOVE drawing hedgehogs in teacups and bumble bees holding flowers and cozy cafes for mice, and, and, and … I've been having so much fun!
It's bringing me so much joy.
I can’t even with how cute these guys are!!!
But a sad-confused-joy.
Like a scoop of ice cream that fell on the sidewalk, but someone hands you a chocolate dipped sprinkle covered waffle cone with two scoops.
-It’s better, but that first scoop is still lost.
Because I am experiencing some mourning for all the time that I could have been drawing silly, adorable, joyful creatures.
Add to the above the confusion of What The Hell?
I am silly, joyous, and all things ridiculous, so
…how was my art, not this?!????? 😵💫.
Sincerely HOW?!
And WHY didn't I allow myself this pleasure before?!?!!!???
Was it this set of arbitrary rules?
Was it art school and this idea of adhering to "fine art"?
…was I afraid that my imagination and skill level were not suited to more illustrative drawings?
(Bracing myself for someone small in stature but powerful in nature to punch me in the arm - so hard. #supportivefriends)
All three?
Likely.
Okay, yes, definitely.
Obviously.
But I'm here now and look out world! Because the number of dragons and dancing bumble bees erupting from my pencil is going to A LOT.
Will this help?
It absolutely must.
Because while I’m a good little office worker, and I really appreciate the stability of a monthly paycheck.
I’ve had a taste of the freedom that is working for myself, and while I’ve never worked harder, I’ve also never felt more free.
I am also the best boss ever!
I desperatley want to make art everyday and go on adventures, and travel the world, and I don’t see me doing that working a 9-5, so this monetizing art shit is going to need to sort itself out!
Hear that universe? - SORT YOURSELF!
Do you have a set of arbitrary rules?
I’d love to know all about them. Please don’t let me be alone in this.
~Jill
*My husband does not agree with this statement and vehemently begs to differ.